I Think My Anxiety Has Anxiety.

Struggling with mental health problems is not something to be ashamed of but in those moments it’s hard not to feel so alone and helpless ,although it is very likely that someone else somewhere at the exact moment is feeling the exact same way as you that is not the first thought that enters your head when you are struggling.

I always try and remember that i am not the first person to have trouble waking up in the morning,i am not the first person to avoid making a phone call because the thought of speaking to someone on the other end fills you will dread and i am definitely not the first person to cancel plans when anxiety gets the better of me. The reality of it is that we have to push through somehow. Having said that i know it’s so much easier said than done and none of that helps when you are passed the point of no return and a panic attack takes hold.

The Mental Health Foundation states that in 2013 there were 8.2 Million cases of anxiety in the UK also stating that women are almost twice as likely to be diagnosed with anxiety than men.

It is so heartbreaking to think how many people were not included in this and what the percentage of those people might be. I know its not easy but id urge anyone struggling to reach out to a loved one or a friend it could be the start of your recovery.

On a daily basis i feel that what i do is not good enough and that i am not good enough. What gets me through is knowing that the feeling will not last forever but its hard when all you can see is darkness and as the darkness washes over me some days i have to just let it.

When things are so bad i want to disappear, if i am honest i have felt this way for the longest time now ,new year is always hard when everyone else is making resolutions i am just here trying to take each day at a time and not put any extra pressure on top of the daily pressure i already feel. Don’t get me wrong i do realise that the only person that can really help me is me but i know there is a lot of hard times ahead too so being prepared for that is my real challenge.

Part of me feels safe in my darkness,another part of me wants to escape so bad that it is exhausting.

Have you ever been on the bus and looked out of the window while passing a shop,house or any place with people and think how are you doing this? How are you going about your day and not notice that there are little dark clouds everywhere?

We all become so good at hiding our darkness in different ways,using small things to distract us from the real issue but maybe giving in and just accepting it is actually the way forward? Just sayin.

Mornings are the worst and best time of the day. On one hand it’s an opportunity to start a fresh,jump up and take the day by its balls and really aim to make it the best day or it can be the one thing you dread because you know the feelings that are to come are inevitable ,and will tie you up in knots just like every other day of the week. Sometimes i really just want to sit in a corner and cry the whole day but i pick myself up,throw on some clothes,paint my face on and i’m ready to go but by about 3pm i am done and need my bed. Trying to keep up the charade is over and i just want to curl up,close my eyes and forget that i feel this way.

For those of you who are like me and feel safe in the comfort of your duvet so much it feel as if nobody can harm you weather you are wrapped up in bed , on the sofa or your favourite chair have you ever wished to be different? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be like somebody else and not fear the outside world and the challenges it holds? On these types of days not even the promise of a lovely cheesy pizza and a bottle of wine can tear me away from my safe place. My body wants to just shut down.

To forget who you are or to feel as if you have lost yourself is such a painful process,letting doubt take over really doesn’t help you in the moment but you can use it the frustration and doubt to help push you forward. Basically say ‘Fuck it’ the people who know you and love you truly will get it and give you the support you need while you are figuring things out.

At night i am kept awake with so many thoughts,thoughts that most of the time are created by me ,my mind racing & replaying things over & over. I over analyse every part of my life. I overthink to a point that i feel sick and actually have to sleep because i am so exhausted. In other words sleep is an escape.

Struggling with the physical effects of stress,anxiety and depression is something that right now is a big issue for me , it really does hold me back from doing the most basic things but i am working on it, I am taking a course of CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) at the moment i am doing this type of speaking therapy over the phone but you can choose to do this face to face if that works better for you. I am also just trying to be kinder to myself, i am guilty of not putting myself first, sometimes just doing little things that can alter how you feel about a situation that would usually really distress you,for example having a slightly different attitude towards the situation can help or having someone close who can support you so you dont feel so alone.
I am also doing a lot more things i enjoy and just taking it slowly. Making plans to go on holiday , listening to music and writing are all things that help so much when i am not at my best. I for sure don’t have all the answers and i don’t think i ever will but i am trying and that’s all i can do right now.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Ally says:

    ‘Part of me feels safe in my darkness, another part of me wants to escape so bad it’s exhausting’… you’ve hit the nail on the head with that, I totally resonate with you here.
    Keep going, we’ve made it through 100% of our bad days so far, let’s not break that record ever x


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