Am I Grown Up Now?

Doing important things like getting married and saving to buy a house are big things i am sure that a lot of you are going through the same right now and can agree how daunting it all is. Its nice to take a minute out of our busy lives to reflect and appreciate the person you are and how you became that person.

Sometimes i think back to when i was young  ,like not a baby young but when i was old enough to go round the corner to the shop and fill up water balloons on my own that sort of thing . I remember playing relay ,going on bike rides and exploring the neighbourhood without being deathly afraid that something terrible would happen. That unshakeable confidence that only a child has like playing power rangers with my friends and being damn proud that i was the yellow one even though we all knew she was the least popular,I even made sure i wore my yellow jacket(I was never the popular one either so i could play that role well)

I was a perfectionist even at that age,i would always put on shows for my parents but it would be a full production honey, oh yes, i would always have set list,music and you can guarantee there would be costume changes. I even managed to convince my friends to be part of my performances too. I never really knew if they had a good time partly due to my terrible directorial attitude (and tantrums) if anything went wrong then that was it. My mum & dad really did put up with a lot ,i guess i hadn’t realised that until now. I really owe them one. I love my Mum and Dad so much,they seriously are the most amazing parents ,My Mum is one strong lady, the loss that she has experienced recently has taught me now more than ever to embrace life, My mum radiates love and warmth,that witty,smart lady inspires me every single day ,the care she would show to the smallest of creatures makes my heart burst. My mum gives me hope that one day i will find my inner strength just like she has.

My dad is so accepting and caring there is not a thing he would not do for me or Bryan. His adventurousness and honesty are just some of the things i admire about him and he sure does make me laugh,even through the hard times he can always make me smile. The way he lives his life is so free he does what he wants on his terms and in a way my mum is the same,neither of them have ever conformed to what society set out for us. They never follow the crowd. They support me no matter what and are my best friends. I would do anything for them.

As a kid having a big imagination served me well i always loved to play different games ,write stories and dress up,I was also really into Barbie as well ,you can imagine my shock when my dad brought home a Sindy house, but it was actually pretty amazing and he stayed up all night to build it for me.

I had some very awesome people to look up to at that age as well,I consider myself so lucky to have had the family & friends that i had growing up. Strong individuals that influenced me,they allowed me to follow my own path to always love,to be strong ,show respect and to know right from wrong. These people helped me to grow into the person i am,to be me and not be ashamed of who i am.

We sometimes forget these important lessons. Lessons we were taught so long ago,the love we were shown as we grew, the patience it took for our parents to deal with us at the terrible twos all the way to our teenage years and for me just last week.

I could never have imagined all the blessings i would be rewarded with in adulthood. We travel through our lives experiencing massive life lessons ,we should take more time out to realise what we learnt and how to apply that in our lives today

When i was young music,film,theatre provided an escape. The first music tape i owned was Don’t Speak by No Doubt back in 1995,some of my favourite films were The Little Mermaid and later The Nightmare before Christmas which i think i first saw when i was 6 or 7.

Coming home from school and playing out was the main mission of the day my mum shouting up the stairs ‘Hang up your uniform ‘ still rings in my ears. though we would save movies for when it was raining or for sleepovers. Spice World was a popular one. Playing in the garden or looking for frogs in the pond or even riffling around in the shed and singing along to the radio at the as loud as i could. Playing pogs and collecting stickers or Spice Girl photographs for the collectable album.

I always remember visiting my Nans after dance class on a Saturday and watching the Generation Game and me and my mum putting a bet on to see who could guess the colour dress Rosemary Forsyth would be wearing that week or making potato cakes with my Nan,I didn’t like much food as a kid i was quite fussy but they were yummy. Visiting my Auntie Veras house was always fun maybe for a bbq or family birthday. As a family we made so many amazing memories that i hold so close to my heart. These wonderful people protected me and nurtured me. I will forever be grateful for each of them.

Until last year ,well until after i got married i had not realised my own ability,strength and resilience.

Things that maybe look obvious to others completely escaped me. One thing i am really good at is convincing myself that all is lost ,that the dark times will not fade and that i will for sure disappear under my dark cloud and be swallowed up forever but that fearless and confident little girl is still here i just have to wake her up every now & again ,she is clearly so tired from all that bike riding ,relay and Spice Girl dance routines.

I have new challenges and things i want to achieve that are most important for me and my future.

Today i am surrounded by people who inspire me to be a better version of myself and that constantly help and encourage me. Some of whom will undoubtedly appear or will be mentioned in one way or another in this blog. Just remember TODAY YOU ARE YOU! THAT IS TRUER THAN TRUE, THERE IS NO ONE ALIVE WHO IS YOU-ER THAN YOU. – Dr Seuss

At the moment this blog is among some of the things that are allowing me to be creative in a way that i have needed for a long time,like those shows i used to create when i was young it’s something i can put my heart and soul into,I really hope that this can help somebody else realise that they are good enough, Even if you don’t feel as strong as you used to be. Think of the lessons you have learned,the experiences that made you the person you are. Take time for yourself. It is not selfish! Self care is so important. As Ru Paul says ‘If you can’t love yourself how the hell are going to love somebody else’.

There will no doubt always be hurdles to overcome ,anxiety will always creep in and in some way i will probably always need medication to help me along and that’s okay. Knowing yourself and loving who you are is more important than anything. It is not easy some days but i finally think i can say i am a grown up now 🙂

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