Is what i feel like shouting at myself when i cant get out of my own head. There are so many questions mainly why.
Why do things always get the best of me? and why when its all going well does it all seem to go wrong?
What can i do to stop this cycle? How can i make things better?
If something is out of my control how do i learn to deal with it?
It starts when i wake up,as i brush my teeth,when i get in the shower. I ask myself can i actually do today? It is with me when i step outside my door ,when i get on the bus and when i clock into work.
Where is the brightness i felt that day when it was all okay? How do i get that back?
It lingers when i get to my desk,what is awaiting me today? I stop for a moment and think and maybe that’s where i am going wrong, im thinking too much. Should i do as i do in meditation and acknowledge the feeling then move on? No of course not My choice; actually i think i will let it control me all day long and walk around under a constant shadow of darkness.
See trying things that people advise you to do or even recommend is all well and good but what if i does not work for you? What if nothing does? Where do you go from this?
When i speak to people i always wonder if i offended them,what did i say wrong and why did i say it like that? Did i sound stupid or did it come across like i wasn’t listening?
Did i try hard enough today? Is what i do good enough,will it ever be good enough?
When i get home from work i wonder is that all i achieved ? What about the time i did this or oh remember when i did that better. Why was today not more like one of those days ?
I have memories of that person i was before, a person who feels like a stranger as i look back now. I wonder where did all that confidence and optimism come from and can i get that back? I hope to find you one day as i am going about my business maybe it could be like when you bump into an old friend unexpectedly and all is how it was before there was distance and time between us.
Lets go to sleep now and take time to mull over all that went wrong today and oh lets just recall all the bad things that have ever happened to you and all those mistakes you made 7 years ago and how much you fucked everything up. Lets sleep on that eh.
No wonder i wake up feeling more tired than i was when i went to sleep.
Onward to the next day and repeat the process again. Asking questions that will never have answers. Worrying about things that are out of my control and convincing myself once again that i am not good enough.
Where did it all go wrong and how do i fix this?