This post has taken a lot longer than i wanted it to, to say the last month or so has been difficult would be an understatement. I thought for a while that i would not come out the other end, i have felt all the feelings,i have felt hopeless,useless,worthless,basically all the ‘less’ words. It is very painful to not want to wake up in the morning.
I have never been the type of person who believes in self love and being your own best friend. I have never really ever liked myself. I have always compared myself to others far too much,i have constantly analysed ,criticized and beat myself up for mistakes i have made in the past. Whenever i am in situation that causes stress or anxiety i automatically go into that mode i have of feeling overwhelmed and afraid that induces feelings of worthlessness and just makes me want to disappear.
I know there are things i need to work on but it is not something that can go away over night nor is it something i can change through just being more positive. It really bothers me when people assume just being more positive can fix it. It cant! What these people do not know is that we are fighting an invisible beast that wants to tear us down at any opportunity, we are sacrificing parts of ourselves to this evil and faceless entity that does not care how old we are or what we have been through or where we are in our lives , It just aims to destroy everything that we are. What people do not understand is that we are fighting everyday just to stay alive.
There is a deep rooted connection i have to that beast,that beast has been my best friend and sometimes all i can do is sit with it,other days i beg it to go away. Crying myself to sleep does not work and hating myself does not work either,i have to find another way to cope,my mind goes into overdrive and i am always looking for the next thing i can do to distract myself from the overwhelming feelings of i’m not good enough,i cant do this and everyone would be better off without me.
While there has been so much time to dwell during lock down i have been able to listen to my own thoughts a bit more closely,i have had the time to figure out what i really need to do. My starting point is to trust myself and my instincts a lot more. Do more things that make me happy,to stop doing what i think others want of me while still maintaining some sort of balance in my life. This is not easy , i often have bad days ,i still do not love myself but it is a start and i am okay with that.
The simple truth is depression is evil,its takes people away from themselves,away from their loved ones and ruins so many lives, so please be kind because even if somebody does not seem to be struggling they could be and you may just be the person that saves their life without even realizing.
Remember talking about how you are feeling really can help lessen the load. Turn to family ,friends,anyone you feel comfortable with and open up,as hard as that may be sharing these feelings can be very helpful to you and your journey to recovery ,here are some numbers you can call confidentially for support.
Please know you are never alone.
Samaritans – 116123 NHS – 111 Frank -0300 123 6600 Mind 0300 123 3393