I am more than my anxiety!

So in April 2019 wrote a post called ‘I think my anxiety has anxiety’ I wanted to revisited this topic as i have talked about my depression & PCOS aswell as other things i suffer with as a result of these but the anxiety is so closely entwined with all of these things that sometimes its really hard to tell were i end and the anxiety begins . Somehow it has made a home within me and spread across my life like a terrible rash covering the best parts of me so that i am afraid to show them properly in fear of judgement,judgement not only from other people but judgement from myself.
I cant look at myself and think good things,my brain automatically picks out all of the bad things and
Sometimes at night i lay awake,the clock ticking by ,seconds,minutes hours go by and i am just laying there thinking of mistakes i have made,how much i have failed in life and how i dont understand how anyone could ever love me. Its usually around 4am when i seem to end up thinking what the hell am i doing? Why am i doing this to myself again?! When i do finally get some sleep it is a sleep full of strange dreams and my mind working just as hard as when i am awake. When i do wake up i feel so nervous and scared for the day that i really cant bare the thought of any interactions or activities. I fear everything from stepping out the door,to walking down the street to seeing people and people seeing me. I feel anxious to make decisions and choices on my own. To help keep me calm I constantly stay in contact with my husband who supports me everyday making sure i know i am capable of coping with the things that scare me ,he makes me feel so much stronger than i actually am and i will always be so grateful for the strength he gives me so selflessly. I always call my parents for support too even at the age of 31 (nearly 32) i never stop needing my mum and dad and i on a regular basis still call mum mummy.
Catastrophizing is something i do on a regular basis and weather i like it or not my brain will always come up with the worst possible outcome for any situation no matter the magnitude,this ruins my confidence and sends me into a black hole of fear and uncertainty. I feel like i’m stuck in quicksand screaming for help but help never comes. So much of what scares me is in my head and not actually real,but it is hard to separate that when you are suffering.
I was originally diagnosed with GED (Generalised anxiety disorder) although i feel in a way that i have always had it but i think got alot worse after the death of my Nan in 2008 thats when the panic attacks began anyway. I Now however i feel it has grown to include SAD too (Social anxiety disorder) I have been taking anxiety medication for over 10 years due to the amount of panic attacks i was having and now i am now on a large dose of propranolol that i take everyday which does help keep those attacks at bay but i feel my body has became so dependent on them that when i do not take one for whatever reason my body goes into melt down,when that happens i experience symptoms of severe anxiety like increased heart palpitations and physical tremors. Over the years i have thought about coming off them but right now i think i need to feel more stable than i do to be able to do that. I am still working on alot of things that cause me distress so i feel i need the support of medication at this time. While i would highly recommend medication in the most desperate of circumstances i do believe that you can overcome alot of anxiety by teaching yourself a number of different coping mechanisms which i wish i had known about all those years ago,this is obviously down to the individual and what works for one person may not for the next but from experience i would advise to seek alternate ways like trying different coping mechanisms and relaxation techniques that could work for you because you never know what could work until you give it a go. We never know what life will throw at us so we need to be prepared to take the good with the bad and battle through the days we feel are too hard. We need to know that we matter. Admittedly It does not take much to put a smile on my face usually something as simple as a coffee and a cat video will shut me up and have me entertained enough that my anxiety takes a small break. I actually despise the way i see myself and this has so much to do with my anxiety,I want so much to love myself and appreciate myself as i know that is what i deserve but i find that really hard. I am a strong determined ,caring,compassionate woman and i know i deserve better. I have to constantly tell myself that i will treat myself better. I feel as if now i am on a mission to unlearn all the awful things i have told myself for so many years. It is so hard to think in a different way though and there are days when i can not see anything but a mess when i look in the mirror but i have to do this for myself ,i cant ask anyone else to do this for me. I have to replace those negative messages with messages of love and support for myself. From one anxious person to another know that you are enough, you are special & beautiful just the way you are. Stay Strong. You’ve got this! xx

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