It’s been a while since we last spoke since then I have struggled to feel creative aswell as struggling in general with the depression & anxiety aswell as battling through myself & my husband having coronavirus. With only a handful of good days in as many months i have not been able to write anything half decent ,infact it feels like I have not done anything worth while in a very long time. My sense of smell is only just starting to return after 3 months, I don’t feel 100% physically or mentally I think the exhaustion of it all has finally caught up with me. I will admit i have had alot of time to think of what I want to talk about in this post but as that wasn’t working so well i thought today I would just start typing and see what would come out.
So far the start of 2021 doesn’t feel that much different from 2020 sadly im still facing a restructure at work on top of possible redundancies, where I live in the UK we have just came out of tier 3 to go into national lockdown which means more working from home,no seeing family or friends ,avoiding public transport & absolutely no hope of any trips or holidays any time soon. The aim at the minute is to get through each day relatively unscathed with enough energy to still make myself & my hubby a coffee when we wake up then see how the rest of the day pans out. Seeing my parents struggle with their health / wellbeing has been one of the hardest things about this whole situation. Luckily at the moment they are doing alright.
I have been trying to use manifestation as a way to motivate myself but failing miserably wondering daily ‘What am I doing with my life!’ I can’t help but think what the past 10 months would have been like in a covid free world, the endless possibilities,adventures and plans for the future but alas i find myself sitting here in bed thinking about eating my body weight in left over christmas chocolates. Usually this time of year we would be planning our January trip to Prague for my husbands birthday,picking out the hotel,planning day trips,choosing new restaurants & cafes to visit now our biggest decision will be what burger to order from Mcdonalds.
I do need to find a new focus,something that will keep my mind occupied but I have tried a few things that I just can’t seem to get into a rhythm with anything. Reading usually helps but I am still in the middle of a book i started in January 2020,maybe its finally time to admit defeat. Writing is even a challange during these times i usually find myself watching the same Netflix show or boxset over & over because its comfortable,easy with no extra effort needed. Recently it’s been home renovations & house flipping. Sometimes I can stay up until the early hours watching videos on YouTube. I know that’s something we all do and probably have done alot during lockdown. What would we do without the Internet eh!
Not knowing what direction my life is going in is actually so scary, its hard to be in this position when one year ago everything was so clear in my mind now it’s all messed up. I feel like I’m in limbo, the decisions made moving forward will change my whole life,that’s alot for anybody to contend with but I struggle wondering what socks to wear in the morning so you can imagine the war that is going on inside my brain right now. I aware I am not alone in my feelings of frustration so many peoples lives have been turned upside down because of this pandemic. It’s taken so much away from so many people in so many different ways. The only thing we can do is keep supporting one another,hope for better things & take one day at a time. Right so, I’d better get back to my tantalising decision making of what to open next the quality street or the roses!