Embracing uncertainty with severe anxiety.

A fresh start,a new beginning is approaching,so many exciting things to look forward to and i am doing my very best to beleive in myself the way I know that I should. This is the rebirth,my time to reinvent myself. I need to step into my spotlight and feel all the confidence in the world. I am manifesting it as we speak just so I don’t go down the other road. The struggle is all going to be worth it in the end (I hope)

I have spent years trying but exhausting all of my coping stratergies just finding the strength to get up each day. Often feeling I do not belong,that I am wasting my time and that I am not moving forward in any way. Although this change is desperately needed I do feel an uncomfortable sense of panic setting in. With any big life change there will inevitably be panic but my panic is next level. Dealing with an anxiety disorder & depression during this already complicated time has uncovered new hurdles for me and in the past month or so I have pretty much shut down from any hobbies or interests I have. I have attempted once to write & paint but it was not easy and took alot of energy. No matter how much I try to run from it,it’s there. That voice always telling me I can’t and that I am wrong, that I cant possibly do the things I know full well that I am capable of. This is a pattern you see. A pattern I am all too familiar with.

I am brilliant at convining myself out of making decisions that scare me too. No matter how small the risk I almost never take it even if I know that it is the best thing for me. Maybe by staying put for so long and feeling unhappy has become safe for me,if nothing changes I will not have to face added stress or anxiety that goes along with it. I guess the fear of failure really does affect me, I didn’t realise how much until now. However this was not the case years ago oh no,I actually made some pretty bold movements in the direction I wanted to go but things didn’t really work out how I envisioned and because of that I felt unsuccessful or like I didn’t achieve anything and i let it deter me. I have gone on for so long feeling so deflated & worthless that any new opportunities scare me to the point of retreating back inside myself to that dark place.

I do not want to be in that dark place anymore. In that place I have to fight so hard to stay somewhat engaged in the real world but also coach myself through the darkness in order to reach the other side. It can be so debilitating that some days all I want to do is sleep, I just want to hide under my blanket all day. It could be very easy to use avoidence as a coping mechanism but I’m choosing not to. This time I am choosing the difficult road in order to challange myself and the routine I have known for most of my life. I want to beleive that I can. For a change I can and will achieve all that I want. I know full well that there will be hard times. Things may happen that I have not experienced before. I may even feel at times like I can’t do it but I know if trust in myself enough and be willing to adapt that I will make positive progress towards the life I know I deserve.

I am actually really excited for new challanges, i just have to embrace it all not matter what. I want so desperately to learn new skills & grow. Ultimately I want to find that piece of myself that has been missing for so long. To reconnect with the person I left long ago who always used to be driven by raw passion and determination. That part of me has been broken down over years and needs building up once again. In facing the unknown I am opening myself up to so many opportunities,adventures & successes. This could be the biggest mistake ever or it could be my biggest accomplishment. I guess only time will tell.

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