Living the way we have been for a whole year without any real routine or anything to work towards has been great to some degree but also kind of like pressing the pause button. It has made doing things again very difficult. Now just getting ready for the day ahead can feel extremely exhausting. Personally I am battling against some pretty cruel voices in my head too which really doesn’t help. Whatever has happened and however I have been feeling I need to move forward knowing that in I am doing the best I can for myself in this moment.
However the intruder likes to tell me awful things and remind me of awful things on regular basis. My mind is filled with horrible and painful memories that i find hard to suppress specially at night. I am really determined to take control of this. I really want to just live happily without questioning myself & my choices, I want to make decisions knowing its 100% what I want. To be confident in who I am ,to feel worthy is very important to me. It will not be easy, I won’t always be alright I know that but as long as I am trying my best that is all I can do.
The problem is that depression doesn’t allow you to see the parts of yourself that others see,it doesn’t let you express yourself the way you really want to,you end up holding back alot more, or oversharing depending on your personality obviously. I constantly feel unsure & nervous no matter what I do and don’t get me started on decision making. On a bad day I feel undeserving of good things,underserving of happiness. Feeling nothing and feeling everything can be exhausting reducing my thought process to one of those weird game shows you know the ones that are only on at like 2am,they don’t make much sense,you never win but they replay over & over and never seem to end. That’s what I have almost every night.
One of the worst things that I cant bare to hear is people flippantly saying ‘I feel so depressed’ when infact what they are really feeling is sadness or frustration which by the way are completely valid emotions I am not disputing that in any way, however hearing this knowing that they probably have no idea what depression really is doesn’t sit right with me. It just confirms what we all know which is that we need to be taking more openly about mental health ,educating others and helping them to understand this invisible disease its intricacies ,symptoms and long term effects so that they can be better informed,helping them understand know that its okay to express their feelings but also understand the emotions of others particularly those close to them.
It is not simple for us to just do what we know will make us feel better, we can not control how we feel in that sense, we loose our ability to do that for ourselves and often just want to hide away and hide how we really feel because addressing it means that something needs to change, that is massively scary and feels out of reach for us. Each individuals experience is so different though and I know that I cant speak for everyone but what I do know is that I am not alone in how I am feeling. This is so sad ,the thought of someone else going through these complicated emotions too. I often feel trapped, not being able to push through and break down how I feel,not being able to release myself from this meterphorcal cage becomes a nightmare.
I will always speak out and up for those suffering ,anyone who has been living with this ,battling this intruder everyday you are my heros. I stand with you. I will do everything I can to inform, educate and be educated. I urge everyone to find out more ,to ask more questions and to delve deeper even if uncomfortable conversations have to be had ,sometimes we have to go there to learn. I know I will never stop learning.